On the border of sane and crazy

Ever since I had a really intense drug trip in 2005 (See "The Night" section of my first entry), I've been straddling the fence between sanity and lunacy. I've been institutionalized twice and had at least one other close call since 2005. My two hospitalizations happened both because of my lost sense of reality combined with the reaction of the people in my life. I don't really blame my friends and family for what happened to me, although I can't help but have some resentment towards them. It's not their fault, but if the world were a perfect place I would have never "gone crazy." I think that the approach society takes towards "crazy people" is ineffective. It may have "worked" on me in their eyes, but not in mine. I'm still just as crazy now as I was 4 years ago, I just know how to deal with my craziness better now.

When in the worst of my craziness I believed that the most incredible, unbelievable things were true. At best I can forget my craziness for a few minutes or, if I'm lucky, a few hours at a time. The truth is that at this point in my life I can't ever see my thoughts returning to "normal." That is because it is impossible for me to forget what I realized back in 2005. What I've been trying to do ever since then is explain to people what I realized. I have yet to succeed as far as I know.

I have been able to partially explain myself to some people, but they never seem to get the full effect of what I'm saying. It's been a bit easier with the imminst crowd since a major tenant of my Philosophy is that death is evil and should be defeated, but that doesn't cover it entirely. The idea of the singularity does also resonate with my thoughts, but there are obviously many problems with the concept. People can't even decide on a definition.

Part of the problem is that I don't entirely understand my thoughts myself. I feel that having people to communicate with and get feedback from helps me realize what's what. I'm sure the reader has experienced the frustration that comes with the inability to describe something to someone else. I feel like I've been dealing with that frustration about the same concept for the last 4 years - maybe longer. I feel like I'm getting close though. Writing this blog has helped a lot. I realize that I may actually just be crazy and the idea sitting in my head may be nothing, and that I'm just thinking it's something because I'm crazy. That is a definite possibility. Either way I would very much like to know.

If the idea is "real," then either I haven't explained it well enough, or everyone around me lacks the ability to understand it, or some of both. I think it's some of both. Now, you may be wondering what the hell I'm talking about, which is understandable. You may be thinking "Why doesn't he just say it?" Well, I've been trying to "just say it" for 4 years now and it hasn't worked. If I ever expect to get the idea out into the world or to even discover that it's complete B.S., it will take a lot of explaining. It will take a great deal of communication between me and at least one other person. It will take great patience on both our parts. It will take time. It will take energy. It won't be easy.

I am 100% certain of at least one thing: I can't figure it out by myself. It took me a while to figure that out, but now I am certain of it. Let me explain. Actually, I don't know if I can explain. I just know that it will require discussion, and discussion requires at least 2 people. It's a raw idea that needs to be refined into a finished product. I've tried to do it on my own countless times, but how can I explain something to someone else if I'm alone in my room writing in a notebook?

I hope the reader is not frustrated by this entry, but instead will hear me out. I don't know when exactly I will be able to fully explain what I'm talking about, but trust me, I'm trying - constantly. Trust me when I say that this set-up has been necessary. I'm not sure when or in what form the idea will come, or if it will ever come at all. I just know that I won't quit until I either explain it satisfactorily to somebody or realize that it's nothing.

I guess I should at least give the reader something besides complete vagueness. If I had to describe the concept in one sentence it would be something like this: "There is no truth, there is only what people believe to be true." That doesn't entail the whole thing, but actually I think it's pretty good.

If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm reaching out to my readers. Do you like deep discussion? Are you extremely patient? Are you smart? Maybe you can help me figure out my craziness...

Well, until next time....